Regrets, running and random obsessions!

I seem to start every blog apologising for leaving it so long between posts. So this time I’ll skip that bit and just crack on!

To be honest I’ve had a case of “blogger’s block” – I haven’t been able to think about what to write nor had the inclination to put down my thoughts. It’s now just over 5 months since my Mam died and the grief is still taking me on a strange and random path. The last few weeks have been tough, which I guess is to be expected as it’s still “early days” apparently. I’m filled with regret for not appreciating her more, not telling her how much she meant to me and generally not spending more time with her. I’ve spent more time than usual on my own, and wanted to, which isn’t like me. All quite normal I can imagine.

Lately there’s been so much stuff happening in mine (and my sister’s) lives that I know she’d be proud of were she here to see it. Firstly I’ve lost 17 pounds in weight at good old Weight Watchers, and plan on losing even more. I remember before I met my hubby, my mam helped my with my first attempt at WW and I lost about 2 stone. I’d come home from work to a variety of salads and other calorie controlled meals – she was so supportive even though one night I actually cried over my WW beans on toast claiming the diet to be “boring” and “not worth it”! What a drama queen!

On a related note I’ve taken up “running” (AKA jogging!), primarily for the Sunderland BQ Relay Marathon of the North which I completed with my work colleagues a few weeks ago. I’d never done anything like it before and the whole day was such a refreshing and inspiring change that I intend to keep it up. As I ran along the seafront I thought of my Mam and how proud she’d be to see me run and give up my time for such a great cause.

Recently both my sister and I have enjoyed some success professionally, and in my sister’s case it’s both long overdue and well deserved. I can imagine that Mam will be watching down bursting with pride that her hard work has finally been recognised. Again, it’s hard to think that it’s happened too late for her to appreciate it in person.

On a non-morbid/miserable note, there’s LOADS to look forward to in life, including what should be a fabulous wedding this weekend (including a child free mini-break!). Plus there’s a trip to Edinburgh in July with great friends and a week in the Lakes in August with my Dad and the family (as well as Dexter the Dog!). We’re in the middle of decorating and improving the house too, so after two years of living here the final touches will finally be complete and it’ll be just as we want it (well – to a point! A lottery win would obviously help…)

Jake has been accepted to the school of our choice so he’ll be moving up to reception in September. We’ll all have to adjust to seeing him less during the week as he starts school full time. He’s growing up TOO fast. But it’s all good stuff. His latest obsessions range from Tom and Jerry to yoghurt-covered raisins, from picking the fluff out of his feet to harping on about a dog! All pretty random! That’s 4 year olds for you!!

Moving on. Slowly.

Well it’s Saturday night and for once I’m having a quiet weekend. Well, as quiet as it gets with an almost-four year old! What I mean is that I’ve not made my usual back to back weekend plans and, although it’s felt a bit strange, it’s also been quite liberating as well as productive. The chores are done, the house is clean, I’ve enjoyed “quality” time with Jake…and now he’s asleep and the hubby’s at work. And I’m bored!

Then I realised I’ve neglected the old blog of late so thought I’d hop on for the latest installment.

It’s almost 3 months since my Mam died and I guess those of us left behind are trying to deal with a world with a mam-shaped hole in it. My sister and I are constantly worrying about our Dad who, it seems, is doing ok all things considered. Jake has taken to mentioning his Nana at completely random intervals, with real gut-wrenching questions like “How did Nana get up to heaven”? It’s taught me to think on my toes and I guess it’s preparation for later questions like “Where do babies come from” and “Does Santa really exist?”. It certainly knocks the wind out of your sails when you realise that his little mind still thinks about her and misses her in his life.

Jake spending time with his Grandad

So life is moving on, the texts asking “how are you?” are ebbing away (understandably) and we all just have to adjust to this new way of life. Mother’s Day was tough (in fact the whole weekend was), but I survived to tell the tale. The strangest things can set me off, for example my hubby the other day randomly asked how I learned to put make up on. Well, as most girls will say, their first lessons were always with their mam, invariable putting some garish eye shadow on and a spot of “rouge”. It’s memories like that which keep popping up at inopportune moments and knocking me for six. I also now work quite close to where my Mam worked for twenty (plus) years, and I sometimes drive past her old place of work, remembering Saturday mornings spent typing letters for my dad, stealing post it notes and generally “helping out” with my little sis. I am quite sure we weren’t meant to be there, but in those days no-one seemed to mind.

In other news, our little boy is FOUR next week! So this time 4 years ago I was eating pineapple by the bucket load and drinking that bloody raspberry leaf tea by the gallon (neither of which worked BTW). And I was about to embark on the toughest few weeks of my life!!!! But the subsequent rewards have been worth it a million times over…

So for the big day he has a new cabin bed from us and his grandparents – he is one lucky boy. To say he is excited would be an understatement! God help us on the day itself! Everything is currently being counted in batches of four in anticipation of the big day – four hugs before bed, four kisses as I leave for work, crumpets have to be cut into four etc etc. Bless him.

Batman obsessed and “nearly four”

As for me, well I’ve embarked on another weight-loss mission and so far it’s been hard work but it’s paying off. I’ve lost ten pounds in about 6 weeks. I also signed up for the Great North Run in a moment of temporary insanity, only for my hips to seize up after one POWER WALK/JOG!!! I’m now being referred for physio after x-rays showed nothing. So my dreams of a 13-miler may have to go on the back burner for now. I think it’s my body’s way of telling me I’m basically nearly forty and am therefore SUPER OLD!!!!!

On that note, I’m off to bed soon! xxxx

Tribute to my Mam

It’s my birthday today. It’s also a month to the day that my lovely Mam passed away, suddenly and without much warning, leaving us completely devastated and with so many things left unsaid. So it’s my first birthday in my whole life, all 39 years of it, without my Mam. Now I know it’s the natural order of things, but still it just feels wrong that the person who brought me into the world 39 years ago today is no longer here. It’s still early days and I still go to ring her or see something I know she’d love (invariably floral in nature!). I still have “Mam and Dad” in my mobile for their number and I can’t bring myself to change it.

I miss seeing her when I go to their house. She would jump straight to the window waving when we pulled up in the car, excited to see Jake, her golden boy. If he was asleep in the car she’d let me go in the house for a cuppa. She’d sit in the car for ages, watching him breathe, waiting for him to wake up and reveling in her grandson who had truly brought the life back into her life in recent years.

It’s strange how death evokes random memories, such as her stroking my hair when I lay broken hearted on my bed crying about being dumped. How she always said “There’s a pretty girl” when either my sister or I were dressed up for a night out. We certainly knew we were loved. I read once that the greatest gift you can receive is the knowledge that you are loved. In that respect my sister and I had no doubt. My mam never failed to praise or defend us, no doubt boring friends to death over the years about how great we were (in her eyes anyway).

I miss her and Jake playing hide and seek when I come home from work, giggling like partners in crime as I pretend to not have a clue where they are. Her endless patience with Jake, the laughter and fun they had, is something I hope he never forgets and I will do my utmost to keep her memory alive for my son. We have sent a balloon up to his beloved Nana in heaven, telling her how much we miss her and loved her. (Words I wish I had had a chance to say, but for now the balloon will have to suffice).

Mam and her golden boy as a baby

I remember her generosity, not just in her love, but in other ways like slipping us some cash when we were destitute students. And if she came along on a shopping trip you could guarantee she’d insist on treating us. She would not take no for an answer, even in recent years when we both had decent jobs and salaries to match! But that was just my Mam. Then when Jake came along there was a little treat for him most weeks – a new book or paints, a bar of chocolate or a little t-shirt she had picked up on in town. We were all very lucky and blessed in that respect.

I have great memories of my Mam helping me pick my wedding dress, and I could just tell she was over the moon to help. And her coming along to one of my midwife appointments (it was actually my “sweep” when Jake was overdue) and Mam just loved being involved and supporting me when I was about to become a mother myself. Maybe in retrospect I should have involved her more. It’s a powerful thing, hindsight.

My family on my wedding day

Over the years I know I must have inflicted a lot of worry on my Mam, rolling in drunk (or not rolling in at all!), moving away to Leeds, going out clubbing instead of revising for my A levels, plus the usual dramas with friends and boys along the way. But her love and support never wavered. As a Mam myself now, I totally get this now. It is unconditional. And yes that is a cliche but it is a killer when it’s gone. I miss you Mam, and always will.

Your daughter Joanna
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My beautiful Mam

Intolerant – moi?

I was driving to work yesterday and noticed two people driving whilst merrily puffing away on a cigarette (something which I am sure is slightly illegal!). Now not only is it illegal (I think) but it really drives me mad. Surely they can wait til they get to wherever it is they are going without a bloody fag! GRRRR! Anyhoo, I had a chuckle to myself as I realised that this is simply one of many things that drives me round the twist. Intolerant – moi??! Admittedly, smoking has to be top of the list, but it’s quite a long list. Here goes…

a) Smoking, smoke, smokers (you get the idea)
b) Noisy eaters and any food related noise especially at the cinema (that’s why we never go!)
c) Any slurping of drinks
d) People who interrupt incessantly
e) Checkout staff who chat away to each other while you wait (im)patiently to spend your money paying their wages
f) Cold callers or suppliers who you hardly know asking you how your day is going and engaging in other inane chit chat
g) Men (namely my husband!) who change channels assuming that you want no say in what crap beams of out the telly. Ditto the music in the car!
h) People who say they’ll call then don’t
i) Gym classes you can only book a week in advance and are full when you call at 8am
j) Potential eBay buyers who ask if you’ll ship to Outer Mongolia
k) People who call you back when you’ve sent them an email and just want them to reply
l) Reality TV shows which are a total fix, especially those who whinge about such shows on social networks. Don’t bloody watch them then!
m) Soft plays that charge for adult entry – it’s no fun for us!
n) Sniffing – get a tissue!!

I may add to this list later as they come to me. Feel free to add your own!

Turning up to the opening of an envelope…

Hi all. Once again it’s a disgraceful month or so since I last blogged. Tut tut tut. Consider myself well and truly told off. I have no excuse really. I am only working Monday – Thursday at the minute but, even with a 3 day weekend, life just seems to take over. Housework, football, play dates, swimming, ebaying, seeing friends, food shopping….need I say more!??! I’ve had a busy few weeks and, as the blog title suggests, I’ve enjoyed quite a few freebies of late through work. And it’s not like me to turn down a free “do”!

First of all I was able to take my dad – Super George Marrs – to see Sunderland play at home vs Liverpool. Little did we know that our tickets were for the Sunderland Echo’s box and it was fab to be able to take my Dad. His face when he saw our private little room where we were wined and dined before the game was priceless (even if he only had one pint – what a waste!) Bless him.

Super George

Then the hubby and I enjoyed another freebie at the Oyster Festival at Hardwick Hall, which is basically a corporate piss up. We had much fun meeting dwarves, laughing at a distasteful Irish comedian, eating seafood and drinking the free booze. I managed to smuggle some wine out and we’ll not mention someone needing the loo on the way home – nuff said!!!!

My third freebie was tickets to see Jesus Christ Superstar at the Arena and I got to take my pal Lisa T to this one. She had followed the show from the start, as had I, and an old friend’s brother went on to win it! Despite having to move seats at the interval so we could sit together and drink our pink turps (sorry – wine!), it was a fun, great girlie night out.

This week I am taking another Lisa (“Lisa next door”) to see wor Cheryl Cole and I think it’s fair to say she is more excited than I am! I think I’m going more for the dancing than the “singing” and you certainly wouldn’t catch me paying to see her! Lisa, however, is well chuffed and it will be a good laugh and a chance to catch up. (I am starting to become very popular amongst my friends!)

In other news, Jake has settled really well at pre-school. His teachers are amazing – beyond enthusiastic and full of creative ideas. In fact, they are far too hyper for 8-30am every morning! It’s such a relief that he’s embraced such a big change in his little life. Seeing my son in his school uniform and so grown up has made me one very proud mammy. I wonder how long this new found enthusiasm for school lasts – not long I bet!

Sun, sea, sand and (some) stress!

Well we arrived back from our holiday in Sa Coma (Majorca) late last night and although it’s been great to get away I am admittedly also kind of pleased to be back on home turf. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had a lovely break – I totally switched off from work/emails etc, the hotel was an immaculate 4 star, the flights were fine and the weather was HOT (after a a bit of an iffy start). It only served to make us appreciate it even more once the sun was finally out all day.

The week away with a 3 year old and 13 year old was an eye opener in many ways:

1) Trying to keep 2 kids entertained for 8 days is stressful! Especially two of such different ages. I feel like I have basically been babysitting since 3-10am on Saturday 1st September! I almost need another holiday to recover…

2) Teenagers are stroppy little f*ckers! We’ve had voluntarily imposed silences, episodes of intentionally sitting at the other side of the hotel and at a different pool (all day!) and strops over who was getting the window seat. Gimme strength!

3) Drinks on all-inclusive deals are crap – I’m so pleased to be home and drinking wine out of a bottle as opposed to a tap! Anyone who can get drunk on all inclusive drinks is either a) 14 or b) drinking all day!

4) German tourists have a name for themselves for a reason. Within a week I have endured a) them trying to nick my sunbed as I am standing next to it, with my hotel towel clearly displayed! and b) two little German f*ckers spitting on my son in the hotel play park. Is there ANY need??? GRRRRRRRRR!

5) Holidays are not good for stress-head parents such as myself. Enhanced stress levels were caused on a daily basis by a) ceramic floors everywhere causing slips and falls basically brought on by a 3 year old being incapable of walking slowly anywhere and b) new found bravery of aforementioned child in the swimming pool.

6) Given about 3 million breakfast options your 13 year old stepson will only want the cakes and biscuits and the 3 year old will only want to eat chocolate sauce with a spoon.

Nice healthy brekkie – NOT!

7) You eat about 10 times as much on all-inclusive than a) normal and b) is remotely necessary.

8) Offering spaghetti and potato wedges as part of all inclusive tapas is not my idea of Spanish cuisine.

9) Your first family holiday will make you regret never having gone to Ibiza pre-kids even more.

10) Your first family holiday will make you apprciate all the amazing places you visited pre-kids and want to go back even more. The realisation that this will probably not happen again for about 20 years is quite depressing!!!

11) Hotel entertainment is both dubious and amusing but “Las Vegas” dancers will keep all males entertained especially if you sit near the front!!!

11) Your child’s face as his first ever flight takes off is just priceless.

The simple things in life

Once again, it’s an age since I last blogged. Sorry folks! But I’m off work at the minute on a few days’ holiday so I’ve no excuse. Looks like we’ve inadvertently picked some great days to be off – the weather has been great here in Newcastle and looks like it’s here to stay for a few days at least. Yippee!

Trying to entertain one (and sometimes two) kids on a pre-holiday budget isn’t easy but today we’ve gone back to basics and what a great day it’s been. We headed to the beach armed with a bucket, spade, towels, sun cream and a football. It literally kept both kids entertained for hours. Even I got my feet wet in the North Sea!!

I love the sea – it reminds me of the halcyon days of my childhood. My parents, sister and I would head off to Devon almost every summer, to a sleepy seaside town called Seaton. Seaton was a picture-perfect seaside resort, with tacky tourist shops, country pubs, a tram and, of course, a beach. We loved it there (although I do recall the journeys being v long and probably v stressful for my parents, irrespective of whether we went by train or in the car!). Just the smell of the sea is so powerful. As I lay on Tynemouth beach today, it triggered great memories for me of collecting whelks, going for long walks, digging holes in the sand, playing in a dinghy, snorkelling, building sandcastles, eating fish and chips, sending postcards to EVERYONE I knew and just enjoying the simple things in life. These should be the fundamentals of any childhood.

Seaton – the beach

Our day of simple pleasures continued with my hubby heading off to play golf, so Jake and I sat out in the garden. He literally played at “cleaning his car” for ages, diligently washing his toy car with a cloth, wiping it down and cleaning the wheels. Just watching him being so peaceful (for a change!) and immersed in concentration was lovely (and admittedly did give me 20 mins or so to soak up the rays!).

Hopefully we’ll be seeing a lot more of that yellow thing in the sky going forward – our holiday is only 3 weeks away!!! Yey! It’s fair to say the diet isn’t going quite as well as I’d planned but am aiming for a last minute burst of motivation! I’m just pleased that the new summer gear I bought months ago is finally getting an airing – especially as most of it went in the sale while it was still in the bags. Grrrrr – the great British weather eh?

On another note – although I’ve not watched much of the Olympics I have really enjoyed what I have seen. I’m hoping the closing ceremony is as spectacular as the opening ceremony (which we watched whilst out in a chinese restaurant! Classy!). Even my dad has been SO into the whole thing, getting dead emotional as the medal tally keeps on rising. Bless him. It’s made me wish I had a true talent – these athletes who have put their all into training, sacrificing so much for their goal, put most of us to shame. It even motivated me to walk to meet my pal for a coffee yesterday! It took a whole 45 minutes when the car would have got me there in 5. No gold medals for me, but I did feel much better for it…

…and treated myself to a skinny muffin as a reward!

New school, Batman overload and pints in a plastic cup

Once again, despite my best intentions, I’ve left it too long between blog posts. Sorry all! 4/10 for effort on my part.

I’m currently preparing for yet ANOTHER busy weekend, listening to “If this ain’t love” by Spiller/Groovejet, having a glass of red and trying not to turn it up too loud! What a song! It will always remind me of crazy nights out in Sunderland (when Sunderland had some really decent bars and before I defected over the river! Well 2 rivers in fact). Fun times!!

Anyway – latest news is that Jake has got a school nursery place at a fab school so we’re well chuffed. Unbeknown to us, when we moved recently we moved into the catchment area! Bonus! So we’ve had a parental meeting and his first visit too, both of which went really well. I got a great feel about the place (and admittedly felt a bit emotional when I visited). It brought back memories of my early school days, how happy I was, how much I loved school and learning and making new friends. I hope Jake has an equally happy time at school, it would be my worst nightmare should he be bullied (and I know how common it is). I can’t believe our little man will soon be wearing a school uniform, going to school every day and moving on to the next chapter in his life. It will be a blessed relief from Batman t-shirts, PJ’s and (now!) underpants!!!

I’ve recently been to York with my sis and Mam and took Jake on the train too. We nearly didn’t go, thinking that the worst of the weather was still hanging around. How wrong were we??? It was boiling! It was nice to catch up, have lunch and a mooch in the sun. Jake loved the train, and I think an hour’s journey was just about enough!!

Batman in York!

This weekend I’m going to be godmother again, this time to my friend Louise’s beautiful baby girl Francesca. It’s an honour to be asked, it really is. So that’s now two little girls who have their Aunty Joanna to guide them through life (god help them!!!). Joking aside, I’m so touched to have both Francesca and Evie as my goddaughters.

Then after the christening we’re off to the Mouth of the Tyne festival, having sourced some freebie tickets via work! (The glamour of working in advertising!) The line up is very 80s, including Heaven 17 and the Beautiful South to name a few. The hubby will be in retro heaven ha ha. Not sure how keen my step son is but we’re all going for a family afternoon out, the forecast is good and I imagine it’ll be a great atmosphere as it usually is. I love Tynemouth, it’s a really special, quaint little place but also has some great pubs and restaurants as well as a gorgeous beach. And it’s only 15 minutes away on le metro! Champion! Mine’s a pint…(in a plastic cup!)

Tynemouth

Timeshare parenting…

…this weekend I am doing what I have deemed “Timeshare Parenting”, namely I have stayed in tonight while the hubby has gone out on the pop, and last night I was out with the girls while he stayed in and manned the fort. It certainly saves on babysitters but I do feel like we are ships in the night! To keep up the shared parenting effort, today Jake went to footy with his dad and big brother then I took him to a soft play party. It meant we (the adults) both got a precious hour or so of peace while the little fella was basically entertained all day!

Anyone out there praying for the terrible twos to be over should be warned – THREE IS WORSE!!! Don’t get me wrong, it’s better in LOADS of ways, especially the improved communication. Jake is such a little chatterbox you can have almost a normal conversation with him with often hilarious results. He’s more confident and vocal, is trying loads of new foods (not that we ever really had a problem with that), excels at football and can be a real joy 95% of the time!!! (Note the words can be!)

This week has really brought tantrums to a head, with a full-on 30 minute one on Thursday morning thanks to his PJ shorts “not being on the right way Mammy” (they were, by the way). Even a usually calming episode of Peppa Pig failed to console him from his “radgy” (as we call them up in Newcastle!). In fact it sent him back off into a tailspin, leaving me traumatised to say the least and quite pleased to head off to work!!! The next morning, however, he was like a different kid – funny, loving and polite. The “nice Jake” was back. Fingers crossed it’s not too brief a respite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news, June seems to have lasted FOREVER, especially financially. We’ve packed a lot in – weddings, concerts, nights out, trips to the beach etc plus paying off the holiday.

It’s been great, but let’s hope this Nat West issue is sorted this week ‘cos the bank balance has taken a bashing! The passports have arrived so it’s starting to feel very real and the diet is going rather well (5lbs off in two weeks which ain’t bad at all I reckon!). There’s nothing like the thought of donning a bikini to kick the calorie counting into action!!!

Anyway I must try to update my blog more often, life just seems to take over at times and I just want to veg when I get home from work as opposed to getting a laptop out again. The lack of decent telly in the summer should help, but then again I’ve just started “Fifty Shades of Grey” so that might distract me for a while… Until then!!!

Sunshine, concerts, weddings and playdates.

Well here we are – June already! My gawd where has the year gone? And we’ve seen a glimmer of summer, which hopefully wasn’t THE summer but just a taster of what’s to come. Finger’s crossed! We managed to cram as much time as possible in our lovely garden, having BBQs, picnics with friends and generally loads of fun in the sun. Jake loved it as you can see below…

And we even got the paint out…

Then we had trips to the park and the beach, so all in all we’ve made the most of it. And in a similar vein we’ve finally BOOKED A HOLIDAY!!! After my last sad post (here) I just thought sod it and we got it booked. We’re off to Majorca, all 4 of us, early September, all inclusive and I seriously CANNOT wait!! The diet has started in earnest as a result and it’s really proving something to aim for. For the hubby, it’s just a good excuse to refresh everyone’s summer wardrobes which he is doing with gusto (much to the credit card’s dismay!).

Before that we have a busy June to get through, with a boozy play date this weekend (and a LONG weekend at that – whoop!). Then I’m at a Coldplay concert next week with the hubby for which I’ve taken some time off work, meaning a nice short week for me. Then there’s a girls’ night out for my friend’s 40th AND a wedding mid-month which has morphed into a mini-break too.

It’ll be September before we know it and we’ll be on that plane at last…